THE SHOWDOWN AT CORTE MADERA

A glistening smile, arms in the sky clutching that summit plaque overhead, backlit by a fiery sunset slowly disappearing behind a multi-colored horizon … but do these insta-worthy pics tell you the full story? These highly romanticized images draping my internet hiking feed seem to greatly diminish or at the very least, disguise the grueling effort it took to earn that photo-op. As if these fuckers magically rode a cotton candy cloud from the trailhead, while sipping on a champagne glass of hawaiian punch through a twizzler straw and watched unicorns shit skittles on the switchbacks while floating to the peak, arriving camera ready, red licorice lips and all.

The morning started off like any other. Sore from a previous hike days before, I swigged down some pre-workout and stretched out the legs while the hiking group that I organize trickled in. About 20 of us climbed over the embankment around the closed gate while a couple of skinnies squeezed through it. We gathered round, took our customary group pic, sinched up our packs and headed out.

Our hikes generally end up in smaller, sub-groups that match paces and I’m typically used to being somewhere toward the front of the pack but holy hell, the pace started out so frantic that my corgi legs could barely keep up! I’m looking ahead and counting three steps for every single stride that Kenny was taking, like wtf bro, you long legged bastard! I was so occupied trying to stay with, that I almost didn’t notice the beauty of the caverness oak canopy swaddling us from the sky above with petals of brick and rust colored soggy, fallen leaves beneath our boots that created an organic, earthy runway. A scent of wet sage, clay and fig were in the air, and a hint of shampoo from Elena’s hair- thank you for showering girl 😉

A half mile in, we took a hard left onto Espinosa Trail and started to climb. This is when I first noticed that the people in front of me, started getting further and further away. It was like that scene from the Titanic where jack was vanishing into the water and Kate Winslet reached out her hands .. .”come back, … come back ..” It all seriousness though, I gave up on being in front, I just wanted to keep pace with the person in front of me. It was a new girl, Anna .. and the harder I tried, the further she got. Man, that girl is in shape. I’m in shape too, my shape just happens to be ROUND haha. Okay, joking aside, this was as de-moralizing as it was challenging. I literally could not catch my breath. On top of that, I was starting to cramp. My calves and my shins in the front – those shin muscles are nearly impossible to stretch! Ugh. It typically takes me about a mile to warm up, then I’m okay. But by mile 1.5, I was done. I felt so flat, nearly lethargic. “You got this, Jay” from behind me, but internally I was already giving up, not even believing I could summit today. I almost stopped and was going to let the entire group pass me, then turn around and go back to the car with my tail between my legs. I had zero left in me. I’ve been on harder hikes before, in fact I just did a 10-mile hike to Sitton Peak which was further, climbing much more elevation and still, here I was, on the brink of quitting.

Stephanie referred to me as “our fearless leader” as she walked next to me for a bit. I never felt like such a fraud. How could I possibly lead this group when I can’t even finish this hike? For fucks sake, now I’m all in my head … and even though it was physically hard, my perceived mental effort started to make it nearly impossible. I was with a group but feeling completely isolated and cognitively exhausted. Frustratingly trying to coax myself to take another step forward and another deep breath through my burning lungs but convinced that I’d have to stop and abandon ship or go tits up right on this trail. It was that bad.

After another 30 mins of inner struggle and self-talk, I was finally able to get my mind right. I’d created a shift internally, and the new goal was to either level up to the people who were with me or become more like the person they believed me to be. I wasn’t going to let them or myself down. I think the dominating metaphor here was that I came and left as the same person, but the thoughts I carried with me greatly dictated my experience. Ultimately, I gathered enough resolve to forge ahead, and it ended up being one of most meaningful days of my adult life.

They say pictures tell a thousand words, but sometimes those words are in awful context and the true story is often fathoms deeper than the surface of that smile. Keep on hiking everyone, you fuckers inspire me every day!